Don't Be Silent

Love is a Drug

2010-11-10T01:12:00.000-05:00

The Art of Misery, written 10/2/09

2010-11-09T21:30:00.001-05:00

In my hindsight-ridden slumber,
Through my dreams which know no number
Memories of that distant summer
When you once held my heart

I thought I lived a fantasy
I thought that I had found the key
But I drowned in my discovery
When you made misery an art

I now see only in shades of grey
The dull pigments that taint my day
Can you promise me I'll be okay?
I don't feel you anymore...

You said it was too much to bear
You said though I'm gone, you don't care
And yet your essence is everywhere--
I gave everything... what for?

2010-11-09T10:29:00.001-05:00

The Words I Cannot Say

2010-11-08T16:34:00.001-05:00

Resurrection

2010-11-08T16:31:00.001-05:00

Poem written while I was in recovery.

2010-11-08T16:21:00.002-05:00

Moonless Night, 4:30 am

2009-03-08T03:30:00.003-04:00

Why are you born when most of the time you think about death?

Why be awake when you sleep 20 hours a day, until the unconscious blurs with the conscious...until you don't know what is nightmare and what is reality...

Why talk when you know no one hears you, even when you're asking for help...

Why love the darkness when you know that's what contains your hurt?...

Why enjoy the blood pouring from you when you know it hurts everyone else, if not you...

Why do you like falling when you know that eventually you will hit the bottom?

...And you will fall, down, down, down...to the end...

Why dream of suicide when you know that you can't--and only because of that one person, the person who is your world, your everything...

And even when you're drowning in your own pain, choking on your own mistakes, you'd rather live to the next time you see them than throw it all away...

They told you to look at the moon when they're gone, look at the moon and think of them, be happy, know you are loved--

But tonight there is no moon, no one to talk to, no sleep to engulf me, no voice in my ear except the one enticing me to the forbidden comfort of blades, hooks, and ropes--tears that slow in correlation with my breath, with my consciousness, the life that flows from me like blood, falling as I am now, into darkness, falling...

Down, down, down...to the end...

I'm just wondering when the bottom will hit, when the end will come, when I can have a release--I want out of this, please...

But most likely I will sooner find myself falling into his dark eyes than falling into the darkness of death's embrace.

I've found that it's a far sweeter release than the cold silence of dying alone--because with him I know I'm not alone, and for every moment of forever, I never will be...

Silence

2009-02-27T16:14:00.003-05:00

Silence breeds ignorance
Ignorance yields conformity
Conformity is the death of creation
...
Silence is the destroyer of creation
but who is the creator of silence?
creation shall die
and i shall be its destruction...

Quietus

2009-02-26T15:23:00.005-05:00

Your soul was removed to make way for your pain
Insanity spreads like a plague in your brain
The darkness surrounds you until all you see
Is me creeping in as I answer your plea
Toying with your mind, saying, "I'm your release,
Just take your last breath and I'll put you at peace."
I know that you want me, I see in your eyes
You want my embrace, my cold grip like a vise...
Come lie with me here and inside you I'll dwell
For what can you lose? You're already in hell.
Yes, you deserve this, you've waited so long
I'll return to my haven and take you along
How much time have you waited for me to descend
Upon you as you're crying, "oh please make this end--"
I'll take you and wrap you up, quenching your lust
Your soul nonexistant, your body to dust
I'll see you eventually, whether now or in time
But why are you scared? Giving up is no crime.
Yet I watch your tears fall as despair takes control
The noose 'round your neck as fear's taking it's toll
Just step off the stool--just one step and it's done
A few moments of pain, and then there is none
Then I'll bear you away to sleep on by my side
In my grasp you'll give up both sadness and pride
...Doesn't that sound enticing? And yet you hold on
Pull away from my touch, cling to life and press on
But you cannot lie, I've heard each time you've cried
I'm lingering close, yet each time I'm denied
Don't deny me, I know you crave my caress
Though you may spite me now, you'll be mine nontheless...

Rules of Life

2009-02-26T06:04:00.002-05:00

1. Never lose control of yourself
2. Trust no one, it will only lead to pain
3. Keep the peace, avoid conflict
4. Follow authority and have faith in them
5. Always put yourself first in your priorities
6. Follow others' examples, take cues from them
7. If it will cause a stir, don't say it out loud
8. Abandon lost causes if it looks hopeless
9. Never fall totally in love--stay grounded.
10. Now go out and break every rule you just read.

Losing control is totally worth the ride; Trusting someone can bring more euphoria than pain if you choose the right person; Sometimes people need conflict to avoid insanity; NEVER have faith in or follow authority...you will regret it; You are not always first (gasp!) sometimes there are things that are more important; DON'T follow others, don't march to their beat--dont even march to the beat of a different drummer. You are the fukn drummer; Speak your mind until their ears bleed the bloods of revolution; Fighting for a cause means it is never lost, but if you give up it definitely is; ......And if you have the chance, fall completely in love. Like I said, losing control is totally worth the ride.

Satan's Smoke

2009-02-26T05:51:00.001-05:00

I get high off Satan's smoke

Swirling, vaporous fantasies

I'll inhale hard until I choke

It fills my blood with sweet release

I feel as if I just awoke

To something greater than hypocrite verse

Because to breathe the devil's smoke

Is a privilege mistaken for a curse

The pipe's contents are always alight

The bowl will never need refilled

A single puff, a newer height

And my unhappy thoughts are stilled

For when you go get high with Satan

He asks for nothing in return

His intentions are indeed quite blatant

Grant the desires for which you yearn

Unlike some, he won't tell you to bow

And beg him repentance for every mistake

He doesn't ask you commit a vow

You're allowed pleasure with nothing at stake

You call it sin, because you fear

The wrath you think your god can invoke

But I suggest you sidle up here

Be free, get high off Satan's smoke.

Aflame

2009-02-26T05:40:00.001-05:00

Let's take our pain, and write it all down
On these paper walls where our hurt resounds
Before it's too late, before we both drown
Let's light it aflame and burn the walls down...
Don't listen too close, their words are like guns
Like bullets they fly, destroy what you've won
Like razors they cut, they think it's so fun
They hold you in place before you can run...
Let's take these walls, use blood for our ink
Keep breathing aloud, we know we can't sink
Lets burn this down fast, we're both on the brink
To show them our hurt, who cares what they think...
No longer will they drag us down like lead
With ignorant acts and lies that they've said
Get what they planted out of my head
The fear and remorse, the hate they have bred...
The scars that they gave, let's show them, be proud
They speak of a pain we can't share aloud
Our one desperate voice attracts quite a crowd
As smoldering walls yield billowing clouds...
Look at this house, transformed into flame
Burning all our hate, regret and our blame
We're sending them back to the ground where they came
And once they are gone, we won't be the same...
We'll celebrate this glorious sight
As paper walls burn, a torch in the night
Reflects in dark eyes, and gives them new light
Like flames to the air, unchained, we'll take flight...