A little about me, for whoever the hell is reading this...
I've been through a lot of stuff, most of it very scary. It is not human nature to want to die; it is human nature to strive to survive. So, of course, being plagued by constant thoughts of wanting to hurt or kill myself was... to say the least... unsettling, terrifying, and hurtful to myself, and virtually everyone I met. Especially those I got close to and tried to use for help. I had so little faith in myself that I believed if there were a solution to fixing these horrible thoughts-- it would lie in someone else.
In the end, I did get better... by myself. I don't know how, I guess everything fades with time. I studied philosophy, meditated, made friends, began gradually to understand myself, and the pointlessness of dying before my time (there is so much to do! So many places to go, and people I want to meet...) I slowly began to heal, but as I became more removed from the damage I'd caused, I also got a clearer view. of it.
I had hurt many of the people that I loved the most, just because I had been hurting myself. One person, in particular, I fear I exposed to irreperable pain. It still hurts me that I never realized, and still probably don't, the extent of the suffering he went through. I wasn't healthy enough to love him the right way... and I will forever regret that fact. I wish I could do it over, and do it right.
But... I can sit around and hate myself for all that I have lost in this whole journey-- or, I can simply try to pick up what I have, move on, and try and live out the remainder of my life with the most joy that I can.
I have chosen the latter. However, this in no way exempts me from the pain of regret. I regret that I cannot change some things... And I guess the naive little girl in me wishes one day, some things can mend themselves, despite my pessimistic predictions. (Things generally do turn out better than I anticipated...) I know, either way, I will make everything up as I go, and I will try to do all those things I almost gave up on when I tried to take my own life. And no matter what happens, I am confident that I will be okay-- and that when I die, it will definitely not be at my own hand. It will hopefully be in some interesting, action-packed way (a mosh pit at a death metal concert in Germany while I'm an old lady comes to mind =)
That is all I can promise myself... and I don't need anything else. I can be happy just knowing that.
